News 2020

Posted on Aug 12 2012 - 7:04pm by Suraj Iyer















Justice Katju said that 90% Indians are fools. And we, the Indians, seem to be trying exceptionally hard to prove him right. That majority of our ‘news’ is irrelevant stuff never fails to amuse me. What you are about to read is my imagination of what could be making headlines 8-10 years from now.

  • Sachin Tendulkar : (Yanks his crotch) Retirement? Aila! I’ll play the next world cup.


  • Abhishek Bachchan’s latest film turns out to be a colossal turkey. Abhishek now officially has more flops than Aftab Shivdasani.



  • Arnab Goswami : THE NATION WANTS TO KNOW , when are these financial scams going to stop? (Arnab, the nation actually wants to know why you haven’t yet been punished for torturing your viewers with your loud-mouthed blabber.)


  • Bollywood legend Sherlyn Chopra agrees to shed her clothes for Penthouse this time. She’s got the entire nation waiting with bated breath.


  • Rohit Sharma goes out for a duck again. Gavaskar maintains that he should be given another chance, because he’s a talented bloke.


  • LK Advani says that he hasn’t yet given up on his prime-ministerial hopes.



  • The Indian adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey to be made finally. Poonam Pandey expresses her desire to play the female lead.


  • Mamta Banerjee continues to be angered by cartoons, orders stern action against Ashok Dinda.


  • Sagarika Ghose shocks the nation by tweeting greetings on Rajesh Khanna’s death anniversary.


  •  Rohit Shekhar fined for using the ‘Tu Jaanta Hai Mera Baap Kaun Hai ?’ slang an exceptionally high number of times. It is alleged that he also tried it as a pickup line once.


  • In India, an Army General is angered by the government and he takes the government to court. An Army General is angered in Pakistan also, he just takes the government. (tweeted by @mojorojo)


  • Anil Kapoor says that he has bagged a meaty role in an international project. One minute and two seconds to be precise, he adds.


  • The latest entrant to the Limca Book of Records is a man from Delhi who did tatkal bookings from the IRCTC website in record time. He achieved this feat in just about 26 hours.


  • A majority of North Indians still believe that all South Indians are Madrasis . Also, very few Indians as such can differentiate between the north-eastern states. To them, Assam, Manipur, Tripura and Nagaland are the same.


  • The Bachchans have managed to shield their ‘Beti B’ from shutterbugs for eight years now. Desperate media people have taken to posting photoshopped pics of the girl. The nation is still waiting for its first glimpse of Aaradhya Bachchan. 



  •  India’s movement against corruption still in the hands of jokers – team Anna and Ramdev. It is unclear whether they are trying to rid the nation of corruption or ridicule the inability of the nation to come together and fight for a cause.




[If you have any complaint regarding the contents of this piece, please report it to.. err, keep it to yourself, nobody cares.]







About the Author

I shall ne'er be ware of mine own wit till I break my shins against it.