That Special Feeling

Posted on May 14 2012 - 9:53pm by Aditya Roy

Women will find it hardcore jerkish. Men will relate to it- never admitting, they’re built the same way. People who watch Californication, will find it a little too edgy yet in a warped up way, relate to it. I do. And I’ll tell you what, everyone in some way has a story quite similar to the Hank Moody story.

I want to share with you something. Its intimate, its real. A lot of times, I don’t mean what I say. I wasn’t always like that. I grew up, unsure about things to say. I was shy as a kid and observed people-listened to what people said to me, and just was able to know what they expressed. I never judged anyone and I think that allowed me to be very social over the course of time. And then, as I grew older, I had this keen sense of knowing what people wanted to hear. And I said it the things they wanted to hear. Now, I don’t know if I said it, for my own personal agenda-for them to like me, or to really make them feel good about themselves. It was a bit of both. I remember, a lot of times in school, I’d tell people who I hadn’t the faintest bit of attraction to, that I had a crush on them earlier. Just, to make sure that they felt desired. Everyone wants to be desired, no? Well, I told people stuff. And over the course of time, I forgot the difference, and I started being this version of me- where I could talk to women and get them to do and be what I wanted them to be. It was easy. I often write, to remind myself of the beauty of words- and dream of this day, where I meet this perfect vision of this girl, who makes my heart go sha la la la. Because honestly, sometimes, the best romance is in the head. In the vision of wanting someone. Someone whom you can say the most intense romantic things to, and someone who’ll move me enough for me to shower her with those words, or someone who’ll inspire me to be the man I was always meant to be and then more. Someone whom I can sleep at night knowing I’d wake up the luckiest man. Someone whom I’d show off to the world yet be possessive enough about to, merit her attention. I’d want that and more.

And the strange, absolute truth is, I’ve felt that only for one girl. The girl I write this column for. And while I know she is the one true love, I try to move on, and be absolutely careless with my heart. But my heart wants what it wants, while I’m wired to be a guy. And a guy wants what a guy wants.

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